as many would say, we all have a number of things that we are most afraid of.
growing up the eldest and only girl with three brothers you can say i developed an oversized sense of responsibility. throughout my life, there has been a pattern of taking on too much because of this sense of responsibility. carrying rocks in my wheelbarrow i shouldn’t really be carrying. others tell me i shouldn’t; i don’t need to.
sometimes it still creeps up on me and then it is apparent that i am afraid of letting others down.
my amazing husband.
that is my motivation for taking on so much.
being in a ‘new mum’ season has really challenged me to accept the help and gifts of others without strings, to let go a bit. i can struggle with that. i find it hard to just say thank you and not reciprocate it in some way.
dave dobbyn’s song ‘language’ sums this up for me:
my hands are tied
oh I could be a victim
when my tongue won’t move
you have tied with your heartstrings
when I need you most
I couldn’t find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn’t say a word
one day a heap on the ground
next day I’m so proud
today, I haven’t got a clue
feels like a river of tears
today I’m gonna dry these eyes
when I need you more
couldn’t say a word
it has caused me a lot of hurt and anxiety to be honest. and because of this fear i seem to do exactly what i am afraid of; letting people down because i freeze and don’t know what to do. my words fail me.
well, there you go – honest – that is what i am afraid of.