as many would say, we all have a number of things that we are most afraid of.

growing up the eldest and only girl with three brothers you can say i developed an oversized sense of responsibility. throughout my life, there has been a pattern of taking on too much because of this sense of responsibility. carrying rocks in my wheelbarrow i shouldn’t really be carrying. others tell me i shouldn’t; i don’t need to.

sometimes it still creeps up on me and then it is apparent that iΒ am afraid of letting others down.

my children.
my amazing husband.
my family.
my God.
my friends.













that is my motivation for taking on so much.

being in a ‘new mum’ season has really challenged me to accept the help and gifts of others without strings, to let go a bit. i can struggle with that. i find it hard to just say thank you and not reciprocate it in some way.

dave dobbyn’s song ‘language’ sums this up for me:

my hands are tied
oh I could be a victim
when my tongue won’t move
you have tied with your heartstrings

when I need you most
I couldn’t find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn’t say a word

one day a heap on the ground
next day I’m so proud
today, I haven’t got a clue
feels like a river of tears

today I’m gonna dry these eyes
when I need you more
couldn’t say a word

it has caused me a lot of hurt and anxiety to be honest. and because of this fear i seem to do exactly what i am afraid of; letting people down because i freeze and don’t know what to do. my words fail me.

well, there you go – honest – that is what i am afraid of.

One thought on “what I am afraid of…

  1. β™₯
    I think all that extra responsibility you had to carry for your brothers already puts you ahead in the parenting sense.
    Give you self a pat on the back Clare and do your best…its all anyone can do.


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